The Olympics Drug Binge

I am currently sat on a train with my fellow commuters, wearing suits and beaming from ear to ear because they have finished work. That their lives have descended in to beaming from ear to ear having left something they chose to do should see then weeping in the corner and ripping out what remains of their hair. Anyway, I digress.

A man opposite me is reading the evening standard and I noticed a story about David Cameron saying that theolympics would inspire a generation, that we can achieve great things, that the Olympics will cure cancer, that these olympics will bring world peace and that we would all end up marrying the victoria secrets models from last night. YAY US!

However, is anybody else slightly sceptical of all this inspiration? Where is is coming from exactly?

I understand that this will probably see more people joining sports clubs, I myself am thinking of joining a cycling club for instance, but will this give us inspiration to anything that actually matters?

The problems we face globally won’t be solved because in 4 years time I will be sporting sideburns and breaking world records. Can we please put things into perspective here? Sport is the opiate of the masses, we know this. Yet in the last 2 weeks we have been on a binge. This is no slight on the Olympics which were fabulous, but more that we cannot lose sight of the important stuff.

So we have emerged from our multi billion pound crack houses and come blinking into real life again. You know that thing that matters? Remember it? That one where we are a company on its knees?  Where we have a shrinking economy? Where we have a bunch of people in power pulling so many u turns that they remind me of a 17 year old in a co-op carpark in their mums ford fiesta?

Don’t stop questioning these people just because they let you use their house for this drug binge. Emerge blinking into the morning and don’t stop letting them know that they have a lot of work to do. 

Nationalism is like VD, you never know where you will find it

I think it is fair to say that I have been neglecting my blog slightly. It has actually been several months since I have used it to express my ill informed views to the world.

This has been primarily due to the demanding new role that I have taken on, I have actually had very little time for anything else. However, one of the things that I can face when I get home is the TV.

One of the things that I have noticed that is slapping me in the face like a overzealous Monty Python fan with a dead fish, is how TV is mimicking life. This is not to say that Made in Chelsea or other such mung has anything similar to life aside from an amoeba that has somehow found itself in a Gucci shop, but that the nationalism that the government is starting to instill is seeping through everything.

With shows like Downton Abbey and the countless spurge of army based shows schneiding their way in to various schedules, it is no wonder that this is the case. Downton Abbey!? What am I talking about!? Am I mental saying an innocent costume drama is somehow a propaganda vehicle!? No, I hate to say I am not.

YOUR COUNTRY NEEDS YOU TO SPEND MORE AND LIVE IN SQUALOR

In the last episode I saw somebody saying directly to camera ‘in times like this we all need to make sacrifices’. I say somebody, I mean everybody. I am surprised that extras don’t simply have ‘look at how this is relevant to the current shite we are dealing with!’ tattooed onto their bear arses whilst slowly walking sideways across the screen just to really get the message across. We get it, the world is screwed thanks to people like George Osborne and David Cameron who have never had to deal with debt before aside from paying back restaurant owners whose premises they have just set light to after a Bullingdon lash.

If you want to be nationalistic then by all means go ahead, but please Mr TV man, keep me out of it and do it in the quiet of your own home or with friends in a calm environment. See it as a swingers party, you may enjoy it and there are at least 3 others who do too, but don’t advertise it to the neighbours.

Hes a London Boy

So I have finally made the transition from strange out of place city slicker in the stick to odd rural farmer swimming in sea of suits, white shirts and cocktail bars. You are correct, the time has come and I have moved to London like a good middle class boy from the home counties should.

My parents are happy as they no longer have to deal with me coming home, helping around the house and providing them with moral support. I mean it must have been awful providing what was essentially a bed each night and little else as I was getting in at 8 or 9 each night and leaving at 6 each morning, still all the more reason to want me out. Its ok though, don’t worry, I’m not bitter.

I now live in Putney, the preserve of the rich and familied mid 20’s or the rich familied early 20s, there are lots of men in white shirts and lots of women who clearly love their man for his money. I don’t mean to be a cynic but come on, when you are essentially bald at 28 it doesn’t matter how funny you are, you will not laugh a girl in to bed.

I work in Islington. I say Islington, it is actually across the road from Hackney and Hoxton, meaning that I leave the confines of my oyster card derived burrow at 7 each evening in a cool part of town with loads of guys on fixie wheel bikes, questionable tattoos & (and in some cases of?) facial hair and original bars. I come up in a safehaven where even the homeless man probably has more liquid assets than me.

However, please do not get me wrong, I love where I live, it is ideally located to take advantage of areas around London, we are near the thames, it is safe, there is a night life and due to the amount of rich people who also live in the area, the council is great (the lack of council housing means that despite paying the lowest council tax in the country we have one of the best councils!). Plus there are no plebs.

As I now have a high powered job (where I get to wear shorts to work) I have less time to devote to writing this. Therefore, I am going to be almost wholly unoriginal. I will try to comment on the intricacies of Andy Gray (even he has gone!?) but I will now be looking at the people around me in London and passing comment on them. Take for instance the man who shouted at me (don’t worry didn’t hear a word, in ear headphones are ace) earlier for allowing my bag to touch his leg on the tube. However, that was not interesting enough to make it onto the blog.

Karren Brady, a moral beacon of all that is hypocritical in the world

There have been several charges laid at Karren Brady in the past few weeks, be they justified (ie the Tottenham managerial and executive team’s questioning of her criticism to their Olympic stadium plans) or unjustified (when some bald idiot said she was a female). However, I think that seeing her as a bastion of anti-sexism, as she now seems to have become is a little off the mark.
Karren started her career as an advertising exec and got her big break when she persuaded David Gold to invest £2,000,000 in advertising, which then prompted him to take her under his wing. She then persuaded Gold to buy Birmingham City football club, where at 23 she became the youngest ever managing director of a football club.
This is a meteoric rise and undoubtedly shows the talent that she has for business and knowledge of how to approach things to make money. However, her success has not only come from the burden of her sexuality, having to fight the male oppressors to win big in the end. This is not an underdog story.

Womens Rights!

The way that David Gold has made his money is through the exploitation of women in his magazines (Penthouse and the general kind that you find with pages stuck together under a hedge) and his newspaper (the Sport, keepers of all that is holy in British society ie areolas and nipples).
This is how I do not understand how she is being held up as a shining torch against sexism across the UK. The press seems to have flocked to her like idiot moths around a flame, just waiting to have their wings burned.
Perhaps people need reminding that the only reason that she is where she is now is because a certain pervert with a massive load managed to spray it in her general direction and then when she dealt with it in the proper fashion was rewarded with a job.
If it had not been for all of the pressured young women who willingly shrugged off their clothes for money she would not have had the chance.
Now I would like to point out that there are plenty of women who have done phenomenally in business and Karren is undoubtedly one of them. So despite her being the current media sweetheart and the shining beacon of hope for women everywhere, perhaps it would be a better idea to choose somebody who didn’t get her break from the exploitation of women in the first place.

Advertisers need their heads checked

Renault ask the most pointless question in history

One of the things that has been frustrating me this week (aside from the Tea Party, perennial darkness and commuters) is the new Renault advert. If you haven’t see it, the slogan is ‘can a car change a town?’ as if by buying this new box with wheels attached you are somehow conducting a complex social experiment.

Please let me answer this pointless question for you Monsieur Renault. Yes. A car can change a town incredibly easily. A car can change a whole country, it can make right wing papers cry out in despair for 14 years whenever there is a slow news day, it can make comparisons between the past and the future more and more stretched and rubbish.

You want to know exactly what car did this? It’s a Mercedes Benz S-280, black. Bullet proof glass, leather seats etc. This was of course the car that Diana died in (although I have heard that it was a secret plot by the CIA to silence her…) (or the Royal family so that Charles could remarry)(or any other of the hundreds of arsehole inches filled by quiet news day bullshit).

So Renault, yes a car can change a town. Try going to Sheffield, take a prominent former Liberal leader and give him the same treatment, it would change the town, the city, the world, the universe and all beyond, into a better place.

Essentially Opinionated Rubbish

Opinions have suddenly become relevant, lets all cheer and then cry…

So I have recently noticed that people’s opinions have started to matter. This (in certain situations) is most definitely a good thing, for instance rather than simply the outcry of ‘lets all settle back and baaa like good little sheep at the royal wedding’ straight away in the national press people came out and said ‘maybe this is simply a diversionary tactic’ and ‘this is a waste of money’ and ‘monumental LOOK AT ME to make stupid people forget that they are getting booted out of their homes and losing their jobs’ (ok that last one was mine, but you get the point).

This is a fantastic thing, it means that people are not simply following the trend, they are questioning everything that is happening, with the increase in people going to university, is this suddenly the upshot? Who knows (I am not going to give Brown credit for it regardless, so lets say it was the most recent episode of the X factor that caused the revolution) Viva la Cherly Kerl revalootion LOL.

However, this has brought certain negativity too. For instance, although I think that the Wikileaks Cablegate (Seriously Watergate was 50 years ago, can we not think of another word to affix to instil controversy? The Fritzl perhaps, the CableFritzl now that would draw attention) is an amazing achievement, something that will bring transparency to democrats everywhere.

However, when you actually sit down and read a lot of them, they are simply the opinions of people ie the times has a double page spread today about the opinions of world leaders, are we honestly meant to believe that the official reports on Putin calls him the Alpha dog of Europe? Would Merkel really have the word TEFLON scrawled across her forehead? Am I the only one to think that?

Remember before we go start killing each other that these are simply people who thought they were sending emails to peers, so opinions should be discounted. I wouldn’t expect people to say ‘Wow, that Jude really looks like a massive bug and he can’t write anything for shit, what a dick!’ to my face, although I am sure that people have said it to others in private. It is not the official line, it is simply one person expressing an opinion that could be formed from being in a bad mood, having a hangover or simply the appearance of the other person. Although if somebody does plan to release that information about me I will be informing Interpol of their involvement in a rape case and demand extradition.

The Mail, the answer to 0 questions

Isn’t it time that people stopped letting these idiots out on the streets? Screw immigrants, its the Daily Mail readers that should be thrown out the country.

In the past people have called me judgemental, cynical, a bastard and almost every insult known to man. This may have something to do with my unabridged criticism of people and their actions or lack-there-of.

The woman in front of me for instance, is a lazy embarrassment of a human being. She is the shittiest barnacle on the bottom of a boat used to transport human excrement. I have never met her, and thanks to my wonderful Seinnheiser noise blocking headphone I have never had the displeasure of hearing bile spill out of her hate filled mouth.

A genuine threat, or just something else for the Mail to hate?

So how do I know that she is worse than Hitler and Stalin combined? Well, simple really, she is reading the Daily Mail.

Thats right, simply from her choice of newspaper I have established that she is worse than a man who caused the entire world to fight one another and another man who decided to kill millions of people, the very same people who were producing the food to give their enslavers the energy to, well, enslave. All this through simply selecting 60 pages of ink on paper.

She could have gone for the paper to the left and to the right and she would have been fine, another human being rather than simply a poor excuse for a person, somebody better off under the train than in it.

You see the problem with people reading this vile, vomit inducing hate filled paper is that it shows nothing but pure laziness. ‘Oh, its quick and easy to read’ is the general response that I get when I question these people as to how their life managed to get to this point. When hearing this response I suggest, nay, demand that you fix them with a blank stare, slowly reach into your pocket for the sharpest thing that you can find and use it to sever their ears.

Perhaps a slight irrational action, but think about it like this. They must have had or at least had the chance to have an education upto the age of 16. This education teaches logic and the key is to question things, what does this mean? Why is this being said? What could the other side of the argument be? They clearly don’t listen to reason and clearly did not bother using these ears when they really should, so they clearly do not deserve them.

After all, it may be quick and easy to read, but as we (especially recent graduates trying to find a job) but quick and easy is not right, its just easy. It is tantamount to saying ‘well I could live a life of endeavour and struggle to eventually find that in the end I die, would probably just be quicker and easier to jump infront of a train’.

This was a genuine letter to the Mail that got genuinely printed...

Reading the Daily mail is brain cell genocide, a virus that spreads hate filled lies throughout your consciousness. If people took the time to evaluate what was being said they would realise that it is just fear mongering, scare tactics and hate filled garbage, then the world would be a better place. When was the last time that the Mail praised an immigrant for coming to our country and saving somebody’s life with the medical training that another country paid for? Hell, even the most basic things, when was the last time the Daily Mail reported on an immigrant giving blood, such a simple procedure that can saves thousands of lives, but not they are just here to take our money and jobs. What utter utter tripe.

So although this woman sat in front of me doing nothing but feasting her eyes on muslim bashing, brain damage causing venomous crap, has not killed millions or personally persecuted an entire religion, at least the people who did were not just mindlessly sitting around filling their heads with propaganda that let people get into these kinds of positions in the first place. As George Orwell insinuates, the proletariat would be the strongest force in the world if they stopped wasting time reading the Mail (or something like that).

Black is to White as Intelligence is to Andy Gray

How a certain football pundit/commentator has made me judge an entire nation I would like to say that I am a fairly open minded person. Sometimes I make statements about people based on very little (ie whether or not they read the mail, if they are letting their children scream on a train or if they support a particular cuts-loving political party) however, I would like to think that these are broad generalisations and that I am only saying them for comic effect.

However, I have found that one football commentator has made me sceptical of my open minded outlook on life, by simply being a bumbling idiot who knows little about football and justifies his existence in it by using the quantity not quality technique, ie talking rubbish for 90 minutes .

This man is of course Andy Grey.

He may have opposable thumbs, but he does not deserve them

This is a man with one of the most thoroughly disappointing football careers that you are likely to find, a private life that makes Dwayne Chapman (Dog the bounty hunter) look like a domestic God and the IQ of a recently deceased insect. Yet he is always on Sky Sports rambling away about nothing.

‘For my money, Duff servicing people from the left with his balls in there is the best option.’. Classic line Andy.

‘great little ball’, ‘great little pass’, ‘great little player’ nice one Andy you seem to have a firm grasp on the use of adjectives, nowperhaps you can move onto more complex pronunciations such as ‘moronic blabbermouthed juxtaposed with often disapproving professional stifling the urge to rip out your vocal chords just to get a word in edgeways’.

Oh yeah, he constantly smacks his lips as well.

Anyway, this man has had a pavlovian effect on me, honestly whenever I hear a male Scottish voice now, I instantly hear a heart rate monitor with no pulse. I was attempting to watch an interesting sounding program earlier about the Scottish highlands, presented by a Scottish Doctor. A man far more educated than I, an expert in his field, yet all I could think was ‘shut up , you have no idea what you are talking about’.

So thanks Andy Gray, Scotland thanks you for all you have done in making the entire male populace of the country sound like a swarm of loud droning bees. Go spend some more time with your 5 children and stop committing genocide on mine and most other football fan’s patience.

Well thats democracy down the pan, good whilst it lasted though

What are the consequences of the current and last government screw ups?

One of the things that I hate the most in the world is money. How much does it really piss everybody off and how much does it have the potential to ruin countless lives with people either having too much or too little of it?

What other single entity can take the roof from over your head and cause your family to starve? What else can cause firemen to not turn up to your house when it is burning down? What single issue can cause an entire nation to turn against the government that they voted in only 6 months before?

Only later was David Cameron told that this was not Obama

This is why people have become so obsessed with criticising the new government (and quite rightly so) for having the economic principles of a stereotyped evil character in a Disney film.

Look at the basics of the situation, we owe x billion pounds, we cannot pay it all back at once, therefore it is better to screw every penny out of everything around the country to pay back as much as we can.

Although this may not seem like a bad idea in theory, in reality it is atrocious. The analogy that I have become adept at giving for this situation is having £20,000 worth of debt, having a car worth £15,000 so sell that in order to pay back ¾ of the debt. But what happens now? Only £5,000 is owed but there is no car to get to work in, so even though less money is owed, the means of making more has been taken away.

This is what’s happening when that odious snotty nose Osbourne man crawls out from underneath his bridge (taking time out from attempting to steal some small goats) and decides that based on his vast economic experience (raised by billionaires, went to private school and had all of 3 months experience in a Selfridges before moving on to work for the torys) that this is the best way forward. Honestly how can somebody who has always had a trust fund to fall back on have any idea about running a country’s economy?

The callousness of the cuts have been what have shocked a lot of people too, David Cameron stands in the house of commons looking like he has just has just had 2 ribs removed giving him to ability to felate himself. The ultimate yes-man, Clegg who constantly looks awkward as he realises that he has ruined the lives of the majority of his previous supporters perches on his shoulder, like the perennial playground bully’s friend, ready to stick his traitorous head round DC’s shoulder to occasionally utter a ‘Yeah!’ at some ridiculously close minded statement.

His party has always been seen as the progressive one, that supports what others would not and defends ideas that the previous governments would not, but one man has singlehandedly destroyed any hope of future election success.

So with the cuts that have hit every single person in the country (unless you are significantly richer than most other people) from the current government and a generally (wrongly) held view that the Labour government singlehandedly destroyed Britain’s money as if they had somehow been eating salads of £50 notes and showering in gold bullion (which would explain why Gordon Brown did always look a bit brain damaged), who are we meant to vote for?

Both major parties have ruined their credibility and trust amongst the public and the only other party who appeared to be making headway can be found with their head nestled nicely into David Cameron’s crotch, destroying any hope of an alternative.

Although people have criticised extremist parties will they be forced to support them? Will the governance shown by these odious power hungry terrorist mental sub-humans in power drive this country into the arms of a party that will create a Nazi state? It sounds crazy, unbelievable and preposterous but in reality with the three main parties less likeable than the Gary Glitter for education minister party, without alternatives, this could be a genuine threat.